Hi there young man. I understand you have deep seated emotional issues but before you decide to permanently destroy your brain chemistry with anti-depressants I just thought that we should sit down and discuss an alternative treatment program.
-Do you feel completely emasculated by modern society?
-Are you suffering from lingering white guilt?
-Do you find yourself trapped in a victim mentality?
-Are you just not having enough FUN?
Well it just so happens that there is an entire musical sub-genre that addresses all four problems and fits almost perfectly into the developing Right Leaning Counterculture. Come to think of it the only music more Alt-Right than Viking metal would be… I don’t know? Crusader metal but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t exist*, (it will therefore have to be invented.)
Besides if you’re any kind of a gamer it’s just hard not to crack out laughing when you find a new Viking metal band. There’s more of them than you would think and it’s ‘toxic masculinity’ at it’s best. You find yourself first laughing at the sub-genre then intrigued by it. Finally you become inspired by it. Songs of adventure, great battles and brothers in arms standing together against mighty foes. Heroes, villains, giants, monsters and Gods of ancient past. Yes this is what you’ve been looking for. Here is what you need to strengthen your heart for the struggles ahead. Without tales of heroism to guide you can you be sure of your path? So raise your horn and drink in the glory. May we all meet in Valhalla.
If nothing else sometimes you just want to get away from the nihilism that infests so much of contemporary culture.
Manegarm- Odin owns ye all
Not too sure about the music but these guys sure got the aesthetic down perfectly. Hard to to watch this video and not crack an enormous smile. Also you will get the sudden urge to play Mount and Blade Warband. This is normal, do not be alarmed. Sudden beard growth has also been reported.
Falconer – Grimborg (English Lyrics)
This is a song about a Swedish folk hero. While I’m sure the Swedish lyrics make perfect sense I doubt they have the majesty and the sheer lulzy epicness of the English lyrics. So we’ll be going with that.
-The warriors meet on a mountain one night (taverns are for sissies.)
-Grimborg decides that tonight is the night to get a wife.
-One of Grimborg’s friends mentions offhand that her does know where to find a suitable maiden. However he dismisses the task as too difficult and dangerous to even attempt.
-Grimborg is not impressed. He convinces his friend to guide him to where the maiden can be found.
-His friend agrees as one does not argue with Grimborg.
-When they get to where the maiden is located they discover a solid iron fence topped with the severed heads of previous suitors.
-Grimborg is not impressed although we never hear about his friend again.
-Here a where a barbarian would break the locks. A thief would pick the locks but this is Grimborg he silently breaks the locks.
-The maiden is so impressed by this feat that she agrees to go with Grimborg.
-Grimborg like all Alt-Right heroes turns out to live with his mother.
-‘Maiden’ just so happens to a ‘princess’ and the King is not too pleased by this recent turn of events.
-After a night of “intense Viking romance” Grimborg is surprised and surrounded by the King’s men.
-The resulting battle is so intense that it cannot be expressed in English, Swedish or German. Only a Power metal guitar solo is suitable the mindnumbingly epic struggle that is this confrontation.
-Grimborg then rides out (alone) to challenge the King, or at least get some answers.
-When asked where the King’s men are. Grimborg just shrugs and says I killed them.
-Grimborg then wheels about to attack the King and his court. The Court scatters and cowers in terror.
-The King seeing his supporters cowering like dogs basically surrenders. He agrees to the marriage and makes Grimborg a noble.
-Grimborg rides off with his wife.
-They live happily ever after.
-THERE WILL BE NO SEQUELS.
-Happily ever after.
Heidevolk- Winter Woade
Okay I cheating a little here as I’m sure this counts as Old Germanic Pagan Metal rather than proper Viking Metal but I mean it’s almost the same thing. Besides Heidevolk is just too awesome to leave out of any list however short.
Which brings us to this music video where our protagonist finds himself in a what appears to be some sort of fairie realm or afterlife; perhaps combination of Valhalla and Purgatory? He seems to have arrived via explosion. An IED? Did he die in battle but not bravely enough to please the Gods? Yes I am reading way to much into this but we have officially reached the point where a four minute long heavy metal video often has a more complicated and comprehensive plot than your average two hour long Hollywood blockbuster. You could definitely work this into a TV series as not only as the setting mysterious but there seems to be some sort of Robin Hood scenario going on.
I have no idea what happening here either. There’s just something about the combination of bagpipes, drums and the crazy guy screaming in Danish that makes you want to headbutt a polar bear. Definitely one of the better drinking songs I’ve encountered.
Tyr- Blood of Heroes
I mentioned that Viking Metal can be very inspiring and this is a song about a man who finds himself inspired by the tales and legends of ancient heroes and is then driven to perform his own acts of heroism. How he fares is left to the listener’s imagination.
*Update: Crusader Metal sort of exists. There are songs and at least one concept album that fits the bill. There doesn’t seem to be any bands doing the gimmick full time, though so it can’t really be considered a sub-genre until that happens. I’ll might have to do a follow up post on that once I’ve had time to dig around.
Related: An earlier semi-serious post about Viking themes working their way into popular culture and a few musing about the future implications.